DEVALUING: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

© 2013 These “Boots” are made for walkin

We talk a lot about devaluing. We talk about the definition of it, the effects of it on the psyche of the victim, your soul, and your self-esteem. But what does it look like practice? I would like to take this time to highlight some examples of how this is accomplished.

There are two types of devaluing, overt and covert. Overt devaluing is obvious; out there for everyone to see, it’s easy to identify. The psychopath makes no effort to conceal the fact that he is devaluing you. It is nothing less than out and out verbal abuse. For these purposes I would like to focus on covert devaluing tactics. This type of devaluing is so subtle it easily escapes notice. It is so subtle it is even easier to shrug it of as a momentary lapse in judgment, insensitivity or immaturity. First there is the “silent treatment”, meant to telegraph the message to the victim…”you are not worthy of my time or attention. Nothing you say is worthy of a response. I will grace you with my company when I am ready. I will dictate when and if”.

If the narcissist knows you are sensitive about a certain body part, he may very so discretely simply reach over and pinch the body part he knows you are self-conscience about. Not a word is said, just a simple pinch, out of nowhere and for no reason. It is meant to draw attention to it and let you know, “maybe you are right to be self-conscience about this”.

Then there are those oh so small and fleeting comments about the type of music or movies you prefer. Meant to telegraph, “anyone who would listen to that or watch those movies is a loser”. Consequently you stop listening to your favorite music when he is around. Every time you do, you can feel his judgmental vibe searing through you. You can literally see them put a mental “check mark” in the “points against you” box. Never mind his music is not to your taste. Like most normal caring human beings, when you love someone, you love and respect all the things that make them who they are, even when their taste in music isn’t something you would choose to listen to. You respect it because it’s part of the person you care about.

My most recent Psychopath would make constant “jokes” about our age difference, at my expense of course. Although I was in no way self-conscience about the age difference, this did not stop him from attempting to make it so. In addition to the “remarks” and “jokes”, he would engage in game playing. One day I was out of multi-vitamins. As he was stopping by the store on his way home, I asked him if he would pick some up for me. He purposely came back with Centrum-Silver, claiming he did it because they were on sale. Although this tactic was only remotely subtle, it was also transparent and obvious.

If you have a curvy figure, he will claim he is attracted to more athletic types of woman with no curves. Even though he made opposite claims when you first met. Constantly telling you how much he likes your curvy figure, real woman should have curves and a waistline. Now he hardly misses an opportunity to point out woman he is more attracted to, woman that are your polar opposite. Yes this form of devaluing also serves to triangulate. The narcissist will also pull this same tactic with food preferences or any other preference. When you first met, he just loved your meatloaf, no one he has ever dated could make meatloaf, you’re special. Months later…”I never said I liked your meatloaf, I don’t like any meatloaf. Why would you make that up or think that I like meatloaf?.” In this instance he’s combining devaluing with gas lighting. “See, you can’t cook and you’re a liar”. Two more check marks in the “you’re not good enough for me” column. Narcissists are fickle to be sure, or at least, they are good at pretending to be.

Although I would love to get into a few of the tactics used by my ex to devaluing our children, mostly aimed at my son, this is one topic that is still too painful for me write about.

Most humans engage in devaluing in one form or another, on occasions. Always coming from a place of insecurity. A narcissist however, engages in devaluing almost 24/7, the constant exposure to this tactic eventually takes its toll on their victims. Chipping away at their self worth, self-confidence. It modifies their behavior and puts the Psychopath firmly in control. It all takes place beneath the victim’s awareness. It is defined as devaluing. However, I prefer to call it “Evil”.

I would like to hear your real life examples of being devalued in covert ways.

~Boots~

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “DEVALUING: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

  1. Wow now I realize why my ex narc would out of nowhere bring up my childhood sexual abuse!!! It always made me feel cheap and ashamed until I finally confronted him and told him I did not need to discuss this with anyone unless I express a need to discuss it!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I identify with this article completely…all of the N’s in my life have taken cheap shots at me but have always said it was in my best interest…trying to help me…blah blah blah…thanks for posting this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. He has been leaving me for months. He actually moved out 7-8 months ago.
    I looked up emotional abuse and found narcissism. He had moved out; he threatened me, and I called my sons father to help me. He kicked his ass out. It was too late, I was already attached. I cried for days because I missed him. Half of his stuff still here if course. That’s what they do. Gives them reason to come back. It began with the silent treatments. I was almost fine with that. I had been under his control for so long, (5 months of not being me was long enough. Each month felt like a year.) I was happy to be getting my life back. I missed him. I was learning everything I could about narcissism. I was practicing and manipulating situations myself. It still hurt like a mo fo. But I was often able to know what his next move would be. I was having a great time, and forgot what he was, he left me in a heap on the floor that my 10 year old had to see and pick up. I had to carry on for my son. It was Christmas Eve. The worst of it came when he would say, I’ll be right back. I wasn’t allowed to go. He wouldn’t come back that first night. It was the worst rejection I had ever felt. He came back the next night, he did it again. I’ll be back. He never returned. I was devastated. It’s 5 months past that at least. He is still coming and going and I allow it. He refused to talk to me all night. He has been gone for a couple of notes now. He doesn’t live here, but he had been staying often again. I guess to build up my hopes again and crush them. It worked, he did. I play into it. I cannot keep my emotions to myself. Showing them no reaction is the best way to go. I liked my personality again. I didn’t want to go on meds. I think I have no choice now. I’m ready to be emotionless.he says the most horrible stuff the way he talks to me. He’s going down!! Until I can get over and away from liking him and hoping for something that will never be. I just can’t do it anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shell, your best course of action is to go completely and entirely NO CONTACT. Throw his belonging away, change the lock, inform him he is no longer welcome there. Don’t call don’t come by, don’t text, don’t email. Block him on all media and phone and text. It is the only to break free. He keeps doing it because you keep allowing him to do it. Visit my FB page, as well Psychopathfree and psychopathfree.com, I also suggest you get the book Psychopathfree on Amazon, you can download it for 2.99. I promise it will be the most helpful book you will ever read. It’s time to stop being a victim and start your journey toward being a survivor.

      Like

  4. I got the silent treatment first. It went from texts and calls many times a day, to several days without a word and lame excuses. Zero honest communication about anything. He would say that absolutely nothing was wrong or had changed. I started to wonder if the earlier guy with the killer wit had become mentally disabled.

    The next discard behavior was him asking if I always talked so much, after we hadn’t seen each other for weeks. He wanted to just sit and watch tv. A few days later I got a random email that he missed me, followed by more silence.

    I knew something was wrong from the beginning (he was my first love when I was sixteen and he idealized me, right up until he was unfaithful, then he showed up again when we were in our forties to “apologize”), but it took months to put all the pieces together. I went no contact. I think he would have left me hanging in the wind for the rest of my life, if I let him. So much for my theory that he may have matured over the 25 years since I last knew him.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I had told my N about my childhood abuse..during one of our fights he brought it up and told me look at you ,your character was bad since childhood.i was shocked and hurt badly..is this devaluing??why would anyone raise someones trauma as a point against them??

    Like

    1. It sure is. It says more about his lack of character. Both ex’s tried that crap with me. Narcs will use any means to hurt you if they can. They gaslight you and act as if they can never remember anything, then suddenly when it is convenient for them they remember everything. Everything and anything you have ever shared with the narc will eventually be used against you.

      Like

  6. I fell in love with the man of my dreams. The one man who treated me with respect, cherished me, loved me so very much. We moved in together with my 2 kids in Nov and by March, a week after my bday, he had taken an apartment and put a cash payment on it to be held for him without my Knowledge. I found the receipt the day he actually moved out in June. I didn’t even know things were so bad to him. I thought we had a beautiful rare love. We had a few bumpy spots but nothing big enough to walk out on. He lives a mile away. He comes to see me very seldom and I barely hear from him, but yet he says he loves me. The reason he doesn’t call is because he doesn’t want to hurt me. But it hurts me when he doesn’t call, not when he does. And he knows this. Says that when I ask him to just spend time with me I get upset so he won’t. But if he made time for me I wouldn’t go through the agony of his absence. It is the complete opposite. If he loves me, then spend time with me. But he says he doesn’t spend time with me because he loves me. When I am sad and need comfort, he says he can’t stand to hear me cry so he won’t come. But if he came, it would comfort me and I wouldn’t cry. I feel like it is always thrown back on me. I love him as an empath. I saw the best man in the world, a man who said I was his world, he could never be without me, and then admits that he purposely stopped telling me he loves me, so it wouldn’t hurt me. But knows that it hurts me deeply? And when we are together, it is perfect, as long as we don’t talk about when he is going to come back. If I ask, he says that’s why he stays away, because he loves me but doesn’t like to upset me when he leaves. And then the blame of him staying away gets put right back on me. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe the little bit of hope he gives me by saying he just needs time to find himself and not to give up on him and wants me to wait but then can’t tell me if we will be together in the end. Just when I say enough is enough, he throws me a hook. I am so broken hearted. I want to move on. I want companionship. I want to be loved and love. Changed every part of my life for him. When he abandoned me and my daughter and left me in a house I couldn’t afford, I had to uproot her for the second time in a year. But since he left the furniture etc. He says my life Is better. My son doesn’t live with me anymore. He despises my son because of his disrespectful behavior. He has even used him as an excuse to stay away even though he doesn’t live with me and my 11 year old anymore. How do I let go? When I feel like my heart beats for him? I’ve done everything from changing my eating habits to working 2 jobs and living on about 2-4 hours of sleep just to show him I don’t need him to take care of me which was one of his accusations. I was independent when he met me. He wanted to take care of me he said. Then when he made more money than me he said I wanted him to do everything. I can’t even think straight. But the pain is unbearable sometimes. When he says he doesn’t know why I love him and I tell him to be happy that I do. I am confused. Is it me and the fact that I love him no matter if he feels deserving of it or not? It is the absence in my life that is killing me, yet he says he doesn’t want to hurt me so he doesn’t call text or visit more. He loves me, then what am I doing wrong? If he has the control to fix it by making an effort to send a text even, saying he is thinking of me or loves me etc…then why an I to blame? What am I doing wrong besides showing him that even during his so called search for himself, I love him. I’d rather be broken with him in life than not at all.

    Like

    1. Cindi, read you comment back to yourself. Imagine for the moment it was your daughter writing it to you. What would your advice be?

      What you are doing wrong is feeding his ego. He doesn’t love you, he never did. I know how difficult that it is to hear and even more difficult to accept. It is your empathy that made you his target. a target is all you are. Someone to use and abuse for his amusement and entertainment. He is playing you like a fiddle. Your begging at his table for scraps is undignified. Every time you contact him, it’s just another opportunity for him to hurt you further.

      No contact is the only way to recover from his hold on you and his abuse of you.

      Please visit neuroinstincts.com and learn how to stop your brain from holding onto this abuse man. The more knowledge you gain on narcissists and psychopaths and how the effect their victims, the more you will be able to maintain no contact and heal. Show your children what a strong women looks like. Set the example

      Sincerely,
      Boots

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s