Things always fall apart for you because you can’t hide from your true self, regardless of how desperately you attempt to hide it from others, you can never truly hide from yourself. The gifts you have enjoyed in the past and present, your jobs, your “relationships”, people’s love, trust and hearts, access to financial resources, their children and home, cars, etc, These are not gifts you earn; BUT rather things you steal through lies, manipulation, false modesty, pretending to be someone you’re not, cajoling, emotional and psychological abuse. You even steal parts of who we are, parts of our character and personalities as you claim them as your own for your to use on your next unsuspecting target.
You do it because deep down inside you know the real you is not able of earning these gifts. You are not able to earn them because you know you (the real you) are not deserving of them. You realize, no one would EVER freely give these gifts over to the real you if they saw him/her. Not now, not ever. So you must steal them or not have them at all. It doesn’t matter to you who you hurt in the process, or whose time, efforts and other valuable resources you waste in the process, so long as fake you gets what you need so badly, a constant flow attention and admiration. For those are the things you seek from a “relationship”. Not love, just attention. You seek your sick pleasure in causing pain and suffering to the kind of heart and generous givers among us.
The true/genuine you is unworthy of love, but the fake you must get it, steal it, by hook or by crook. All the while having nothing but deep disdain, contempt and envy for those you steal these valuable gifts from. You hate your dependence on them for their time and attention. How sad it must be to be you. To disdain the very people who mistakenly give “you” (the “you” they “think” you are) the things you crave and must have to survive. To crave to be loved while having no idea what love is and yet so threatened by it at the same time.
Real and true intimacy means allowing someone to know who you truly are at your core. You know if you were to truly let someone in 100% they will surely see the monster behind the mask then reject and abandon you. Run away in disgust.
I lived in denial and hope for far, far too long and you took full advantage of it. Taking what you need yet unable to give back. We were never friends, we were never lovers, we were never in a relationship of any kind. No one who has EVER been tricked into your life has EVER been any of those things and we all come to realize that in the end. The only one who never comes to realize it, sadly, is YOU.
Such is the nature of your disorder. Much like color blindness, you simply do not, can not perceive things the way others do, the way normal people do. Any attempts by those who can perceive color accurately, to explain to you what green looks like, when all you see is brown, would simply be impossible, a fruitless task (one I engaged in for nearly 9 yrs). In much the same way you insist green is brown, there is no convincing you otherwise, your inability to trust precludes you from taking their word for it. In the same way you insist you know what love is, you insist you are capable of true reciprocity when you are not. The reality is you simply take the way YOU perceive it and mislabel/mistake it as love. You don’t, you can’t see it, feel it, or experience it in its true form, the way everyone else does. Just as you will never experience the true beauty of color the way others do. And so you will ALWAYS fail as a human being. You have nothing to offer someone else aside from lies, distortions, false love, pretend love, the mirage of a man/woman that doesn’t truly exist. You know how to simulate/emulate love, but there simply is no true or accurate emotional correlate or you simply assign the incorrect one.
People eventually see right through it, often far too late. You are a very good con man, it really isn’t all that difficult to fool others when the person you are conning first and foremost is yourself. You are an empty shell. Like you always do, you will simply move onto another victim, reinventing yourself to get and steal from her/him for your own self centered purposes. Leave her/him tired, drained, and feeling conned out of her/him the most valuable gifts she/he has to offer, her/his trust, heart, love, loyalty, support & the belief in a man/woman who never really existed.
There is no “true or genuine” you. You have shown me what a lack of empathy looks like. You have taught me to reserve my empathy for those who are truly deserving of it. To reserve that gift for those who earn it, not steal it.