Did You Become An Empath As A Matter Of Survival?

A coworker of mine, one to whom I am very close, walked into my office this week and says “we haven’t seen much of you this week.”

When I told her I have been working in my office because there seems to be a pretty heavy negative vibe going around the office and I choose not to expose myself to it, or be involved.
Her response was, “you have felt that too?” We concluded it centered around the office narc.

This got me to thinking. Why is it her and I both were so in tune and plugged in, more so than others. I should state here, she was married to a disordered man who attempted to kill her.

Growing up in such a unpredictable and unstable environment, where things can change quickly going from happy to abusive at the drop of a dime. Children, such as myself, must develop this skill of empathy the way a meteorologist must learn to read the subtle signs of changes in the atmosphere in order to avoid the storm.

As children, my siblings and I had to learn how to read those subtle signs and become very in tune and plugged into the changes in the atmosphere in order to know when to make yourself scarce, invisible, hard to find, in an effort to avoid being the one to bare the brunt of that storm. In lieu of knowing what concrete actions or words could set the monster off, all you had to rely on was the changes in the atmosphere that you could intuitively “sense”. This skill gets honed and sharpened through the years and stays with you. It becomes a trigger and when you feel it, you automatically begin to change how you respond. You begin to walk on eggshells and become the best “pleaser” and “appeaser” you can be. That leads to poor boundary function born from fear.

Unfortunately, what started as a survival skill to avoid danger, later leads us straight into the arms of danger because it’s all we have ever known. It feels “comfortable” and “familiar”.

So we must learn how to embrace our empathy and let it work for us, and others, instead of against us. Much like Spider-man, with great power, comes great responsibility.

~Boots~

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Narcissistic supply — it’s number one on the list of a narcissist’s “must-haves”.

Simply put, narcissistic supply is anything (or anyone) that feeds the narcissist’s ego and keeps them artificially pumped up with the attention, admiration and deference of others.

Narcissists have been described as people who are like balloons that are not completely filled. In order to fill in the void, they must draw from the energy of other people, because they cannot produce the energy themselves.

.Narcissists require the energy of others to inflate themselves.

Narcissists need attention (and sometimes pity) and want complete agreement with their wishes. They ignore or oppose people who refuse to supply them with these things, and they turn their attention instead to those who can offer these three things in unlimited supply. This is what’s at the heart of narcissistic supply.

If you come into contact with a narcissist and assume they are well-adjusted, you may compliment them at times and pay them a normal amount of friendly attention. They will then identify you as a potential source of narcissistic supply, and proceed with the game of seeing just how much more they can get from you.

.Favored sources of supply…

.Some people, such as people with low self-esteem and low assertiveness, provide much more supply than others, and make excellent sources, sometimes finding they have unwittingly attracted more than one narcissist into their life because they are too kind, too soft, and too deferential.

Narcissists, always on the prowl, see the free lunch before them and stick around for more — unless and until they find someone even weaker to feed on. Young children make excellent sources of supply, and some narcissists find it fun to get supply from them. (Others hate children for having needs too much to get their supply from kids.)

The narcissist’s constant fishing for attention/compliments, perhaps for pity, and for deference to their wishes will continue and keep increasing as long as the person they are feeding on does not oppose too strongly or too resolutely.

.If you refuse…

.Typically, at some point sooner or later, the person being used as a source of narcissistic supply will recognize that the narcissist is asking a lot more than they are actually offering in return, and will start to resist. When they start to resist, the narcissist will become displeased, and attempt to manipulate, tantrum or wheedle their way back into feeding position.

Depending on the narcissist, the resistance can take on any number of forms. However, the narcissist will attempt to do whatever they think will work best on the person they are targeting, and will be generally unrelenting in their efforts to get the supply back or at least to emotionally punish the person who is withholding it.

Discarding

At times, narcissists will grow tired of someone they have been using as a source of narcissistic supply and will toss them away like an old shoe as they opt for someone newer and less wise to their ways. Many a partner of a narcissist has watched in helpless dismay as the narcissist they have had a relationship with rides off into the sunset with a brand new fool. (This is called “discarding“.)

Avoid being targeted — don’t offer supply!

More Here: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/narcissistic-supply-2#ixzz3TqApFwLt

Real Life Hoover Maneuver Email From My Real Life Ex Narc/D-Bag

CLASSIC HOOVER MANEUVER EXAMPLE FROM MY REAL LIFE EX NARC

Three months ago my ex narcopath broke up with his most recent target. He lives three thousand miles away. A distance I have been very pleased with. So, as predicted, came the Hoover letter. I thought I would share it with you today, as it is a classic hoover attempt. “I’ve changed”, “I finally realized It’s been you all along”, ” I know I ruined your life but some how I believe YOU owe Me an apology for being upset about it”. You certainly owe me an apology for trying to warn and expose me for the phony psychopath I really am”. Mix in a little fond memories in the hopes to rekindle something within you, feign taking “some” vague responsibility for things, “if I could talk to her on the phone my powers of persuasion would be so much more effective, I hope she calls”….. blah blah blah.

Now what he was actually looking for was a meal ticket back to the east coast, shelter, food, and someone to take care of him here. He hates where he lives, which is in Arizona AND as we know, narcs can’t go without supply or be alone in any manner. The only way he could afford to discard this little lamb is if he had somewhere to go and a place to stay upon arrival. When I told him to go ahead and take the next bus to Hell. Less than a few weeks later, miraculously, he was back together with the most recent target, and bless her heart, it’s just so cute how she now believes she’s actually “engaged” to him. FYI, she’s his fifth or sixth “fiance”. The saddest part is this……if I had fallen for his lies and attempts at manipulation, he would be here, not “engaged” to this recent target/victim. So, obviously his feelings for her are real and genuine.

Please feel free to post your narc decoder interpretations of this hoover maneuver.

Click on the photo to open it up and read it.

Also visit and like us on FB at: https://www.facebook.com/boots.smith.96

itwasme

THE NARCISSIST WITHOUT HIS SUPPLY. FEAR AND PANIC IS ALL HE KNOWS

The narcissist having lost his main source of supply (secondary) will panic and feel as if he is a passenger in a runaway automobile with no brakes and no steering. In order to salve his panic he immediately begins groping around for any morsel of supply. He will cast a wide net. He will create dating profiles, go through his rolodex of past supply sources, potential current and future prospects. He will engage in whatever tactic he believes will work best. It maybe charm and flattery for one, insults and challenges for another, all while simultaneously attempt to Hoover the most recently lost source.

He will do or say anything in desperate attempts to illicit a response, any response.

The narcopath may have a momentary sense of relief for being able to drop the exhausting facade, this is short lived as panic sets in. He will engage in constant self soothing measures such as masterbation, porn, strip clubs. Engage in inappropriate public flirting at places like Hooters, Twin Peaks, and The Tilted Kilt. He will drink more, etc.
There will be intermittent bouts of sloth and depression.
This cycle will not end until a new source of supply is secured.

Don’t worry, the narcissist is a very skilled fishermen and will have his new prey in hand in short order.

Ultimately however,  the narcissists loses his looks and his ability to charm and ends up alone in the bitter end. The narcissists leaves this earth with not a single loving soul who cares one way or the other. He passes surrounded by the same apathy and indifference for him that he spent a lifetime dishing out to others.  The narcissists spent his life deluding himself into believing  his theme song is……..”Who Wouldn’t Want To Be Me”?.  Only to figure out in the bitter end that the answer is…….

NO ONE

~Boots~

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NARCISSISTS DON’T EARN YOUR GIFTS. THEY STEAL THEM

Dear Narcissist,

Things always fall apart for you because you can’t hide from your true self, regardless of how desperately you attempt to hide it from others, you can never truly hide from yourself. The gifts you have enjoyed in the past and present, your jobs, your “relationships”, people’s love, trust and hearts, access to financial resources, their children and home, cars, etc, These are not gifts you earn; BUT rather things you steal through lies, manipulation, false modesty, pretending to be someone you’re not, cajoling, emotional and psychological abuse. You even steal parts of who we are, parts of our character and personalities as you claim them as your own for your to use on your next unsuspecting target.

You do it because deep down inside you know the real you is not able of earning these gifts. You are not able to earn them because you know you (the real you) are not deserving of them. You realize, no one would EVER freely give these gifts over to the real you if they saw him/her. Not now, not ever. So you must steal them or not have them at all. It doesn’t matter to you who you hurt in the process, or whose time, efforts and other valuable resources you waste in the process, so long as fake you gets what you need so badly, a constant flow attention and admiration. For those are the things you seek from a “relationship”. Not love, just attention. You seek your sick pleasure in causing pain and suffering to the kind of heart and generous givers among us.

The true/genuine you is unworthy of love, but the fake you must get it, steal it, by hook or by crook. All the while having nothing but deep disdain, contempt and envy for those you steal these valuable gifts from. You hate your dependence on them for their time and attention. How sad it must be to be you. To disdain the very people who mistakenly give “you” (the “you” they “think” you are) the things you crave and must have to survive. To crave to be loved while having no idea what love is and yet so threatened by it at the same time.

Real and true intimacy means allowing someone to know who you truly are at your core. You know if you were to truly let someone in 100% they will surely see the monster behind the mask then reject and abandon you. Run away in disgust.

I lived in denial and hope for far, far too long and you took full advantage of it. Taking what you need yet unable to give back. We were never friends, we were never lovers, we were never in a relationship of any kind. No one who has EVER been tricked into your life has EVER been any of those things and we all come to realize that in the end. The only one who never comes to realize it, sadly, is YOU.

Such is the nature of your disorder. Much like color blindness, you simply do not, can not perceive things the way others do, the way normal people do. Any attempts by those who can perceive color accurately, to explain to you what green looks like, when all you see is brown, would simply be impossible, a fruitless task (one I engaged in for nearly 9 yrs). In much the same way you insist green is brown, there is no convincing you otherwise, your inability to trust precludes you from taking their word for it. In the same way you insist you know what love is, you insist you are capable of true reciprocity when you are not. The reality is you simply take the way YOU perceive it and mislabel/mistake it as love. You don’t, you can’t see it, feel it, or experience it in its true form, the way everyone else does. Just as you will never experience the true beauty of color the way others do. And so you will ALWAYS fail as a human being. You have nothing to offer someone else aside from lies, distortions, false love, pretend love, the mirage of a man/woman that doesn’t truly exist. You know how to simulate/emulate love, but there simply is no true or accurate emotional correlate or you simply assign the incorrect one.

People eventually see right through it, often far too late. You are a very good con man, it really isn’t all that difficult to fool others when the person you are conning first and foremost is yourself. You are an empty shell. Like you always do, you will simply move onto another victim, reinventing yourself to get and steal from her/him for your own self centered purposes. Leave her/him tired, drained, and feeling conned out of her/him the most valuable gifts she/he has to offer, her/his trust, heart, love, loyalty, support & the belief in a man/woman who never really existed.

There is no “true or genuine” you. You have shown me what a lack of empathy looks like. You have taught me to reserve my empathy for those who are truly deserving of it. To reserve that gift for those who earn it, not steal it.

BootsP1110403

IS IT LOVE OR NARCISSISTIC ABUSE?

I was addicted to the highs and ignored the lows. I ignored all those times I felt so worthless as if I didn’t matter to him at all and I embraced those times where he showered me with attention and affection, even if those times would be few and far between. I was like a bird in the winter searching desperately for crumbs that would keep me alive. He was the one in power because he was the one who could either dole out the crumbs or withhold them.

When I found out about narcissism it didn’t solve my problems. It wasn’t a magical solution anymore than a doctor telling the heroin addict that his drug of choice is addictive and destructive. O.K. yes I know I am caught up in the addictive Web of illusion produced by the narcissistic reality, but how do I get out?

Although educating myself was helpful and necessary my problem required much more than education alone. Identifying the problem was only the first step and it was a big one because it actually penetrates the illusion that there ever really was a Mr. Perfect. Suddenly I could see that he was every bit as flawed as I was; only he had no clue. He was off dancing in the sunset with someone else who also didn’t have a clue while I was the one who was feeling everything. I was feeling everything he never allowed himself to feel. That is why my life was so chaotic with him. He suppressed his emotion and I expressed it.

The expression of negative emotion was taboo in his world. It was a sign of weakness, and narcissistic personalities despise weakness in themselves and others. The more I expressed this negative emotion the more pathetic I was to him. I slowly lost my status in his eyes of being a strong, capable being. Instead I was a weak, pathetic, emotional basket case.

This is narcissistic abuse in a nutshell. The narcissist denies his own negative feelings and projects them onto the person closest to him and then he attacks that person for their weakness. This way he gets to express those negative emotions through his surrogate outlet without ever claiming them. Meanwhile the surrogate is not only getting hammered by these psychically transferred negative emotions but also the subtle attacks on their character by the narcissist. The process, over time, breaks down the psyche of the one who is doing the feeling work in the relationship.
http://www.narcissismfree.com/art_love-addiction1.phpsecuredownload (6)

DEVALUING: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

© 2013 These “Boots” are made for walkin

We talk a lot about devaluing. We talk about the definition of it, the effects of it on the psyche of the victim, your soul, and your self-esteem. But what does it look like practice? I would like to take this time to highlight some examples of how this is accomplished.

There are two types of devaluing, overt and covert. Overt devaluing is obvious; out there for everyone to see, it’s easy to identify. The psychopath makes no effort to conceal the fact that he is devaluing you. It is nothing less than out and out verbal abuse. For these purposes I would like to focus on covert devaluing tactics. This type of devaluing is so subtle it easily escapes notice. It is so subtle it is even easier to shrug it of as a momentary lapse in judgment, insensitivity or immaturity. First there is the “silent treatment”, meant to telegraph the message to the victim…”you are not worthy of my time or attention. Nothing you say is worthy of a response. I will grace you with my company when I am ready. I will dictate when and if”.

If the narcissist knows you are sensitive about a certain body part, he may very so discretely simply reach over and pinch the body part he knows you are self-conscience about. Not a word is said, just a simple pinch, out of nowhere and for no reason. It is meant to draw attention to it and let you know, “maybe you are right to be self-conscience about this”.

Then there are those oh so small and fleeting comments about the type of music or movies you prefer. Meant to telegraph, “anyone who would listen to that or watch those movies is a loser”. Consequently you stop listening to your favorite music when he is around. Every time you do, you can feel his judgmental vibe searing through you. You can literally see them put a mental “check mark” in the “points against you” box. Never mind his music is not to your taste. Like most normal caring human beings, when you love someone, you love and respect all the things that make them who they are, even when their taste in music isn’t something you would choose to listen to. You respect it because it’s part of the person you care about.

My most recent Psychopath would make constant “jokes” about our age difference, at my expense of course. Although I was in no way self-conscience about the age difference, this did not stop him from attempting to make it so. In addition to the “remarks” and “jokes”, he would engage in game playing. One day I was out of multi-vitamins. As he was stopping by the store on his way home, I asked him if he would pick some up for me. He purposely came back with Centrum-Silver, claiming he did it because they were on sale. Although this tactic was only remotely subtle, it was also transparent and obvious.

If you have a curvy figure, he will claim he is attracted to more athletic types of woman with no curves. Even though he made opposite claims when you first met. Constantly telling you how much he likes your curvy figure, real woman should have curves and a waistline. Now he hardly misses an opportunity to point out woman he is more attracted to, woman that are your polar opposite. Yes this form of devaluing also serves to triangulate. The narcissist will also pull this same tactic with food preferences or any other preference. When you first met, he just loved your meatloaf, no one he has ever dated could make meatloaf, you’re special. Months later…”I never said I liked your meatloaf, I don’t like any meatloaf. Why would you make that up or think that I like meatloaf?.” In this instance he’s combining devaluing with gas lighting. “See, you can’t cook and you’re a liar”. Two more check marks in the “you’re not good enough for me” column. Narcissists are fickle to be sure, or at least, they are good at pretending to be.

Although I would love to get into a few of the tactics used by my ex to devaluing our children, mostly aimed at my son, this is one topic that is still too painful for me write about.

Most humans engage in devaluing in one form or another, on occasions. Always coming from a place of insecurity. A narcissist however, engages in devaluing almost 24/7, the constant exposure to this tactic eventually takes its toll on their victims. Chipping away at their self worth, self-confidence. It modifies their behavior and puts the Psychopath firmly in control. It all takes place beneath the victim’s awareness. It is defined as devaluing. However, I prefer to call it “Evil”.

I would like to hear your real life examples of being devalued in covert ways.

~Boots~

“JUST MOVE ON” Just move on?…….Harrumph!

Telling a victim to “just move on” is like telling a turtle to walk faster.

I would like to share my thoughts on “moving on”. First, what the hell does that even mean? I wonder, is there such a thing? Doesn’t everyone have different definition of what “moving on” is or looks like?

In my mind, there is a difference between “moving on” and “moving forward”.

Since abuse cannot be forgotten, then I contend there is no such thing as “moving on” from it. If you lose your arm, can you move on without it? Or do you move forward without it? Would someone ever suggest that you “move on” from losing your arm? One could hardly forget their arm is now gone. You simply “accept” that it is and move forward. You move forward in the knowledge that you are forever changed. You are never going to be as you were before. So I personally reject the myth of “moving on”.

It’s the abuser who “moves on”. He “moves on” to another victim, over and over and over again. But he NEVER, EVER moves forward. He simply moves on to another victim. Repeats the cycle, even repeats the same things within his new fake relationship, he sticks to his script, plays out the same movie, different sets and actors are the only things that change.

From the outside looking in he/she happily constructs a facade of “moving on” for public consumption. That is all he/she is doing. He/She is moving on to toward the discard, on their way to a new victim. Their life is circular, yours is linear.

All that is required of you is that you “move forward”.

What are your thoughts?

~Boots~

Meet my Family of crazies

As a means of keeping track of all the sisters in this dysfunctional tale please refer to the table below.

Sister #1 Tawny (Flaky hippy chick who thinks she’s Amish, happy go lucky and easily manipulated) Her Husband Fred. They have four Boys

Sister #2 Tami (Full blown NPD and Golden Child wannabe) Her Husband Jim also a Narcissists and pompous as hell. It would be these two that eventually bring down and tear apart the entire family. They have four children, two girls and twin boys

Sister #3 Tina (I have not diagnosed this one yet. She is however, a carbon copy of our mother.  If nothing else, minimally she’s a self centered. passive/aggressive, and who uses people, readily admits reciprocity “just isn’t her thing”). Would do anything for friends who can do somethig for her, but would let a family member die in street. Her Husband Scott. They have four girls

Sister #4 Holly (Golden Child) Her husband Bob. They have four boys

Sister #5 Boots (scapegoat, truth seeker, truth teller) My Husband Lawrence ( overt narcissists). We have two children one girl, one boy. We have been divorced for 11 years. Then game Chris (covert/stealth narcissist)

Sister #6 Mimi (the invisible child) Engaged to the same man for 20+ years. Two boys

Sister #7 Kari (Baby, materialistically spoiled, emotionally and physically neglected, cold and un-empathetic, guarded and won’t let anyone get too close to her) Her husband Sean.  His two kids, both boys from previous marriage. They have two children together, one boy, one special needs little girl with down syndrome. Now Divorced.

Karen: Mom. Malignantly co-dependent, sheltered, spoiled, out of touch. Passed away Sept. 2009

Stan: Dad Borderline/narcissists Possibly Bi-Polar. Prone to rages.

THE MEMORY BOX

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A memento box, we all have one that we store in an attack or closet and largely forget about it and it’s contents until one day we come across it while searching for something else. Or we occasionally dig it out to add something, or to share the memories and pictures with your children or grandchildren. But not my ex narcissists, I would store his box and before I knew it, he had it back out, looking through all the items and pictures he had seen a million times before. 

He would do this rather often, a few times a week, or a few times a month. The first few times he did this I thought, “awww how sweet”. When we first met he took me through all of it’s contents, telling me stories and sharing memories he “seemed” to cherish. But when it became clear to me he did this far more often than most people I grew curious and concerned.

I felt compelled to finally say something. I asked him, “why do you keep dragging that box out and digging through it over and over and over again? What are you really looking for? Are you hoping to find something or answers that weren’t there last week or the week before?” He never really had an answer.

I have since come to believe that there was a part of him that was desperately searching for his true self. The real Chris he was meant to be but was long since lost to the false self he created as a child as means to escape his abusive environment.

As a mother, my heart broke for that child and the broken man I saw before me. No child deserves to be robbed of a happy, stable, nurturing environment. Unfortunately this compassion for his plight, one I did not fully understand at the time, only served as a means of me willing to continue to absorb almost any amount of mistreatment. Had I known about NPD at the time, my compassion for him would have remained, but I would have had a better understanding that compassion for myself and my own psychological and emotional well being should have taken precedence.

I had always been a problem solver. I have since come to realize that sometimes, there just are no answers and you must save yourself. I have had to come to accept that somethings are simply broken beyond repair.

~Boots~